Take me out...
We all try to break free of certain habits—habits that limit our horizons and contribute to the same modicum of misery. For me, I’m talking about staying within my comfort zone. Now, I like to “experiment,” if you know what I mean…but 3-ways and Vietnamese food (not necessarily together) don’t quite constitute the leap of faith that I speak of. So let’s say that not trying new social activities is a “habit.” Then mix in a tinge of xenophobia. Let’s also say that “playing a sport you have absolutely no experience with, while surrounded by many strangers” is a good way to break out. Which brings us to last Thursday.
Billy Earl, aka Captain ROM, comes looking for some extra players to round out the softball roster. What he really needs is an extra girl, so that they don’t have to play a person short (yes…even in softball, we reap the bitter fruit of Title IX). What he gets, though, is a gawky douchebag who looks a whole hell of a lot like me…plus one of our female interns whom I convince to attend.
So let’s just cut to the chase. I sub in for Billy Earl halfway through…playing left field and batting in the 6-slot, what Peter Gammons might call “the lineups’ offensive black hole.” Only one tragedy occurred in left field. And it wasn’t getting beaned in the face by a poorly judged pop-fly, as I had envisioned. I took 5 steps in on a fly ball that landed 15 feet from the fence. Had I been wearing an eye patch or have glaucoma, this might have been excuseable. Only a couple runs scored on that one, and I comforted/convinced myself that even with the proper jump, I wouldn’t have gotten it.
Batting was another story. As I stood in the on-deck circle and grasped a bat for the first time in 12 years, I was hoping my sub-par Little League skills would kick back in. Unfortunately, they did. Took a couple of rank ass pitches, then swung at something high and a little inside. High and inside then became high and left as it traveled about 30 feet vertically and 30 feet horizontally down the third base line. My grandmother (who does have glaucoma and cataracts) could have caught it barehanded.
After the first AB, my Sith Master, Darth Will, drops some knowledge. Like “when a girl bats behind you, she gets to walk when you do.” In other words, “Don’t be a dick, so just take the crappy pitches because there’s no way you’re going to do any better by actually hitting the ball.”
The game’s tied up at its regulation end, which means extra innings and extra chances to make myself the bane of total strangers’ existence. With my next “extra-innings” AB, I take Darth Will’s advice to heart by taking two balls then swinging at the exact same pitch I swung at three innings ago (a pitch I would later discover has name: "the 2-finger ego beater"). Oddly enough, it produced the exact same result. So the other team wins. No fingers were pointed, unless you count unenthusiastically high-fiving me while rolling your eyes as “finger pointing.”
Needless to say that barring some horrible depletion of the male softball talent pool or a sex-change operation, I will not be grabbing a softball bat anytime soon. Thanks for the chance, anyway, Captain ROM. Maybe after some work in the cages, I’ll come back with a prayer. In the meantime, I’ll stick to golf and beer pong--where my skillz is sick.
Billy Earl, aka Captain ROM, comes looking for some extra players to round out the softball roster. What he really needs is an extra girl, so that they don’t have to play a person short (yes…even in softball, we reap the bitter fruit of Title IX). What he gets, though, is a gawky douchebag who looks a whole hell of a lot like me…plus one of our female interns whom I convince to attend.
So let’s just cut to the chase. I sub in for Billy Earl halfway through…playing left field and batting in the 6-slot, what Peter Gammons might call “the lineups’ offensive black hole.” Only one tragedy occurred in left field. And it wasn’t getting beaned in the face by a poorly judged pop-fly, as I had envisioned. I took 5 steps in on a fly ball that landed 15 feet from the fence. Had I been wearing an eye patch or have glaucoma, this might have been excuseable. Only a couple runs scored on that one, and I comforted/convinced myself that even with the proper jump, I wouldn’t have gotten it.
Batting was another story. As I stood in the on-deck circle and grasped a bat for the first time in 12 years, I was hoping my sub-par Little League skills would kick back in. Unfortunately, they did. Took a couple of rank ass pitches, then swung at something high and a little inside. High and inside then became high and left as it traveled about 30 feet vertically and 30 feet horizontally down the third base line. My grandmother (who does have glaucoma and cataracts) could have caught it barehanded.
After the first AB, my Sith Master, Darth Will, drops some knowledge. Like “when a girl bats behind you, she gets to walk when you do.” In other words, “Don’t be a dick, so just take the crappy pitches because there’s no way you’re going to do any better by actually hitting the ball.”
The game’s tied up at its regulation end, which means extra innings and extra chances to make myself the bane of total strangers’ existence. With my next “extra-innings” AB, I take Darth Will’s advice to heart by taking two balls then swinging at the exact same pitch I swung at three innings ago (a pitch I would later discover has name: "the 2-finger ego beater"). Oddly enough, it produced the exact same result. So the other team wins. No fingers were pointed, unless you count unenthusiastically high-fiving me while rolling your eyes as “finger pointing.”
Needless to say that barring some horrible depletion of the male softball talent pool or a sex-change operation, I will not be grabbing a softball bat anytime soon. Thanks for the chance, anyway, Captain ROM. Maybe after some work in the cages, I’ll come back with a prayer. In the meantime, I’ll stick to golf and beer pong--where my skillz is sick.
1 Comments:
Thanks for taking it on the chin like a sloppy pornstar. We'd love to have you back anytime.
-Billyearljr (Captain ROM)
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